Things That Kept Me Off The Ledge in 2023

CW: depression, suicidal ideation

I don’t talk about this on main, but sometimes my brain does things, odd things, mean things, that make functioning in general nearly impossible. Some days I just kind of sit there and stare at the wall, wondering if this is all life will be from now on. On especially bad days, my brain doesn’t want to live anymore which blows because I have news coming up in the near future that I would love to share with people.

As I’ve learned through the years (since I was eleven-ish), the only way out is through and the only way through is through curiosity. A carrot on a stick if you will. So, my best bet is to distract my brain with ooooh a shiny thing! over and over again until it decides to cooperate again. Hence, here is a non-exhaustive list of short stories, novels, videos, and other things that made my brain curious enough (or distracted enough) that it decided to live on into 2024:

 … Your Little Light by Jana Binachi

Renan Bernando suggested this Clarkesworld story when I mass-asked people to suggest stories that would make me sob in public. I finally got to reading this story as I sat in the Reference Library in Toronto and Renan was right, it made me sob like a child. This story wrecked me. I couldn’t bring myself to cry for months beforehand and this story just took all those emotional walls and broke them down.

If Someone You Love Has Become a Vurdalak by Sam J. Miller

Published in The Dark, this is a heartbreaking story of addiction, family, and love. I keep returning to this story because I am always struck by how it handles addiction with such love and care. I’m tearing up just thinking about it now. This is the kind of story that makes you want to be a better writer. It grabs you by the collar and shakes you, screaming, “this is what words can do, now go and do that!”

Instructions for the Broken Hearted by Jordan Kurella

Specifically, the reading Jordan does for Story Hour. I’ve never heard Jordan read before and I was blown away. How do I get this good at reading, Jordan? How?

BONUS: the above Story Hour begins with Eliane Boey’s “Ghost Crab” which just might be my favorite Eliane story. Hi, Eliane!

Mycophilia by C.B. Blanchard

This story is just so beautiful. Go read it. There’s poverty, and loneliness, and sex with mold, and it’s just perfect, and it made me sit there and stare into middle space. Go read it. The end.

Mickey7 by Edward Ashton

Yeah, yeah, it was published in 2022 but I didn’t get to reading it until Ye Great Depression of 2023. There’s something about a guy dying over and over again in increasingly horrific ways that is so life-affirming. I freakin’ love this book so much. It’s so funny too. I read it overnight because naturally, I couldn’t sleep, and come morning I begrudgingly got back to living.

And in 2024 it will become a movie! Mickey17 is set to release in the spring of 2024 and I’ll definitely be seeing it in theaters.

Empire of the Feast by Bendi Barrett

Another book that was released in 2022, but I didn’t read it until 2023 because I’m a slow reader. Have you ever imagined an orgy and wondered, what would be the most literary and aesthetic way to write about it? Bendi does just that. The prose is absolutely delicious and you can read the whole thing in one sitting. This book made my brain tingle in all kinds of NSFW ways. Do yourself a favor and buy a copy from Neon Hemlock!

GRIS by Nomada Studio

It’s a video game! I came to GRIS because I’ve been listening to the beautifully melancholy soundtrack without knowing where it actually came from. So, I first fell in love with the music. And then I saw the stills and I fell even more in love. I can’t really play video games. My left arm/hand doesn’t work that well which makes using any sort of controller pretty difficult. GRIS is a slow-paced PC game and I played using just my right hand. The point is to take in the animation and the music and to wander around. You play at your own pace. There aren’t that many consequences to wrong actions. The whole game felt like a weighted blanket for my soul.

If you don’t play the game, just listen to the soundtrack—it’s good, I promise.

And now some shout-outs in no particular order:

Fusion Fragment is your ride-or-die if you’re a reader or a writer. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to get published by them this past year and no market goes so hard when it comes to promoting their authors. They publish amazing SF and they’re Canadian! Bonus, they have a super cute and fuzzy Associate Editor. Sign up for their newsletter for all the goodness.

HavenSpec reached their Kickstarter goal and will be pro-rated this year! Leon is one of the most kind and compassionate editors I’ve ever worked with and I have nothing but good things to say about this market. The SFF they publish is always deeply emotive, with a gentle touch.

Heartlines Spec is another Canadian market! I cannot stop shouting about the great Canadian spec markets out there. They’re new! Their covers are lovely! They published my rock-climbing on Mars story (I should do one of these Fact for Fiction things about climbing)! Seriously though, I have tremendous respect for this up-and-coming market. The reach they’ve been able to establish in just one year is amazing and I don’t see them slowing down any time soon.

And….that’s all!

2023 was a weird year and I hated most of it. But between the parts I hated, I distracted myself with art that my fellow writers and creatives have made. So, thank you all for giving me things to look forward to throughout the year!

Cheers!